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hurting, scared

under an lj-cut because it might be triggering... depression, suicidal thoughts, (mild) self-harm, financial stresses )

I need I need I need I need. I need no new hurts for at least two weeks. I need to be cuddled without having to initiate or give back. I need to be in magical places and I need to make beautiful things. I need to be a woeful coddled kitten for just a little while.

Happy Memorial Day...

Choices!

"...until you bleed."

What are you?

What do you want to do?

What do you want to be?

What do you worry no one will accept?

I'm a monster. A magician. A wizard. A teacher. An adorer of science.

I want to write and think and talk about magic and depravity and sinuous wonder and world-warping perceptions and show people how learning and understanding more about any and everything is the better part of being and becoming.

I want to be unapologetically who and what I am. I want to be the kind of person who simply Is and Does and Knows. I want to be able to know that what I am and want to do will hurt others, to be able to weigh that in the balance, and Be Myself Anyway.

I worry that no one will accept... that. All of that. Me. And the fact that I worry about it at all is the key that fuels that last want.

I don't know if you know it, but you're important to me. You matter to me. If you ask me what it is I "get" from knowing you, you'll most likely get a detailed answer. Sure, in some cases, the answer is "more data needed," but even the fact that I'm still gathering the data should tell you something, right?

I want to build a city or an island, or whatever, with little individually climate-control domes, and I want to populate this place with everyone I know, and keep you around, all the time, and also not have to see you, ever, if you don't want to be seen.

This is losing the thread.

I want to rule this world, if only so I have the time to not have to worry about work and bullshit, and can just cook and talk and laugh and debauch and deprave with friends, forever.

Ok, what the hell?

What the hell, I'm suddenly feeling very anxious. I don't know if it's from rereading some old posts, or just being in my own head a lot the last couple of days. But all of a sudden, twitch twitch. First time I've taken a xanax in a while, yay for happy pills. Not helping that I'm missing the ferrets something fierce today. I'll get to see them tomorrow, and hopefully in a couple of weeks they'll be home. Just got a report on them from Amythest, all is well, they are having fun with the rest of the gang. Still waiting on the drugs to kick in, watching the 3rd Blade movie. Probably going to go bed earlier tonight, no reason to stay up uber late, no migrations tonight. Of course, I do have a notice from crazy customer #1. *sigh* The crazy, it burns. Especially when their request is also vague as heck. So email back with 'Ok, do you mean do $thingie?' Oh well. Things I do for a paycheck. 2 more days off, yay time off. Hope it stays calm and quiet. Ciao peoples.

Karaoke Report

Last night was an eighties set, because I planned it hoping Doug would be there to partake in (mostly) eighties pop type stuff.

First up, the closest thing to rock (from the planned stuff!), Powerstation's "Some Like It Hot". I think I did okay, but I had the unexpected pleasure (ahem) of having Robert Palmer join me for a duet. Not quite what I expected, and it threw me a little when I realized no, that's not just a backing vocal. So it was more of a sing-along than karaoke, but I still had fun.

Next up, was "Need You Tonight" by INXS. Had fun with that, but not really sure how well I pulled it off.

Duran Duran's "Hungry Like The Wolf" wrapped up the pop portion of the set. I did pretty good on it, except for eating just prior to singing and having a very short solo (5 bars!) in which to try to grab a sip. Missed the first line and a half coming back into it, but I think the vocals were much better for that quick drink.

I had one more pop tune lined up, but I didn't get a chance to even listen to it all the way through, let alone try it out once, so I skipped that, and had Tracey put in Aerosmith's "Love in an Elevator" (think that was the first time I sang it ~ nailed it!) and then Deep Purple's "Hush" to wrap things up.

This entry was originally posted at http://ellyssian.dreamwidth.org/799660.html. Comments are accepted at both locations.

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Riding in a Critical Mass

‎Last night I attended my first Cleveland Critical Mass bike ride. Don’t feel badly that you don’t know what that means; I didn’t know about it until a few weeks ago. Critical Mass rides happen on the last Friday of the month in about 300 different cities all over the states and in some other countries. Here in Cleveland we had about 400 riders. In other places they have over 1,000.

400 riders strung out along a roadway was an incredibly impressive sight. We must have stretched out close to half a mile. I can’t even imagine 1,000.

The point of Critical Mass is not speed or getting to a destination first. The point is to raise local awareness of bicyclists and our right–nay, requirement–to share the roads. Did you know that in many states, including Ohio, it’s a misdemeanor for adult cyclists to ride on the sidewalk? This is because sidewalks are for walking, and people walking are generally traveling at 2-5 miles per hour. Whereas cyclists are generally traveling at least 8 miles an hour, and easily can be traveling 18, 20, or more. Cyclists are a hazard to walkers. They are operating vehicles, and belong on the street.

And the fact is that cyclists are safer on the street. I have been clipped by a car once on the street, it’s true. But I’ve had many near-collisions when riding on the sidewalk, because people are not looking for a bike on the sidewalk moving at 12 mph when they back out of a driveway or pull up to an intersection. They see me when I’m on the street.

Still, there are people who don’t understand the law who still honk at cyclists, yell at them to get on the sidewalk, and even assault them. A recent instance I read about was someone whose kid was pelted with a milkshake that was thrown from a car window. I’ve had people swerve at me, and someone open a passenger-side door in my face just to frighten me.

I’m not sure where this level of anger comes from. Yes, you might have to slow down and pull over to the left to get around a cyclist. But you’d have to do the same if a UPS truck was stopped there, and I don’t see anyone honking at the UPS guy. I sometimes have a sneaking suspicion that some of the resentment comes from thinking that the cyclist feels superior to people driving the car, or a guilt that the driver feels for driving along, drinking a milkshake while these cyclists are exercising.

I know that I’ve been cursed at with “fatso, get off the road!” As if my wide hips are taking up more space. My very presence offends some people.

I’ve learned to be more assertive in my biking, and also more cautious. I try to stick to roads with four lanes, and to bike toward the middle of the right lane so people don’t try the slip past me when there really isn’t enough room. I also bike at off hours or against the rush hour traffic so that I’m not frustrating tired people who just want to get home from work as soon as possible. I take my share of the road, but try to do so with respect for drivers.

And I obey traffic laws. I stop for red lights. I yield at stop signs–a full stop is incredibly wearing on the knees, so I cheat a bit, but I give up the right-of-way when it’s not mine to take. I signal my turns. I try to be a good citizen.

Still, it’s hard to be a cyclist at times. And cycling alone always seems more subject to verbal abuse than cycling with a group, or even just two.

So last night, cycling with 400 people, was a kind of empowerment. We rode through neighborhoods where kids ran to the fences, waving wildly at us, adults smiled and called out encouragement, and drivers waiting at intersections honked their horns not with impatience but in celebration. We were a novelty, this enormous group of cyclists.

We were a parade.

Maybe the people who smiled at our dinging bells and honking horns and smiling waves will remember us. Maybe when they come along a solitary cyclist pedaling down a narrow street, they will recall the crazy, happy atmosphere of last night’s ride.

And maybe they will be just a little more patient, give just a little more room, and we can all be better citizens on the road together.

Crossposting from Dreamwidth now. Sigh. If LJ won't let you comment, you can comment here: http://zoethe.dreamwidth.org/795282.html?mode=reply:

During Clarion, I coined the phrase “busking on the wrong corner” to describe the phenomenon of “entertaining writing that doesn’t serve the story.” It’s the reason writers have to  kill their darlings.  It’s the trap that stops a lot of good writers from making the transition to great.

“Busking” is the practice of playing in public spaces for donations – you know, that guy playing the guitar, his guitar case open before him, full of scattered singles and quarters.  Buskers are often some of the most talented musicians.  But the buskers’ art is also partially a knowledge of where the crowds are.

You can sing your fucking heart out on a corner where there’s no foot traffic.  If you’re really good, you might make a few bucks.  But if you’re really good and really smart, you’ll position yourself near the subway where people are pouring out by the hundreds as rush hour ends, a place where even a mediocre musician can clean up.  Part of your strength is not just the raw force of your musicianship, but knowing where to place that skill so it’s maximized with silver rains of spare change.

Writers (me included, oh so included) are often putting their talents to use on the wrong corner.  This chapter is brilliant writing, it’s got great characterization, it’s exciting.  But underneath, the scene is at odds with what the story is trying to do, and what you’ll wind up with is a great scene that advances the story in the wrong ways.

Lemme give you the real-life example: the lead character of the novel I’m plotting right now, Autumn Akeley, is a taxidermist.  In the beginning of the book, Autumn is deep in the woods on a rumor, searching for the Hulk.

Why the Hulk, you ask?  Because she’s not just any taxidermist – she makes wild viral videos online parodying recent movies in order to drive business to her online taxidermy shop.  Autumn’s latest planned video (“The Bearvengers”) needs a gigantic, light-skinned animal she can dye green to play the part of the Hulk.  Autumn does not kill animals for her entertainment (she takes the death of any creature very seriously), but she just got a tip from a hunter that there’s a decaying grizzly in the woods she might be able to use.  She tracks it down with her friend Karla and examines the corpse – it’s a little too moldy for her liking, but it has very light fur.  She thinks she can salvage it.

Then a shot rings out across the forest: there are poachers in the woods.  As someone who hates to see an animal killed senselessly, she does not take lightly to poachers.  She sets off to investigate, starting the chain of events that sets up the novel….

…Now, that’s a pretty good scene.  It’s got an interesting character doing something we’ve never seen done before in a book, it displays her odd compulsions, it allows us to watch her work (if you have a character with an odd profession, people love to see the fine details), and for a short intro it’ll do quite nicely.

And yet we are busking badly here.  Why?

Because this novel is about Autumn’s friendship with Karla.

Okay, unfair, I didn’t tell you that – but the whole point of the novel is that a new man in town with a shadowy past begins to romance Karla, causing a rift when Autumn discovers the man’s past as a serial killer.  And this scene, while good in a vacuum, utterly fails to set up the dynamics of Karla and Autumn and their friendship.  In fact, you’d be excused for forgetting the existence of Karla in this summary, because while we can put in some nice dialogue and characterization to set up Karla’s character, the underlying structure of the scene is not about her at all.

This is a great scene for a novel featuring bold Autumn Akeley, bold adventurer.  It’s a terrible scene for Autumn and Karla’s big fight – especially since the next scene involves Autumn tracking down poachers, which has even less to do with their friendship.  And if you’re not a careful writer, you’ll think this is an awesome scene because it’s got it all – humor, good characterization, a quick hook to action – without realizing that it’s an awesome scene that’s structurally at odds with what you want to do in the long run.  It doesn’t set up the things that need to be established.

It’s a good scene in isolation.  In context, it’s a darling that needs to be killed… Or at least dramatically changed so that Karla does something so interesting here that the scene metamorphosizes away from Autumn’s search for the Hulk and into an expression of how Autumn and Karla couldn’t get along without each other.

The point I’m making here is that had I written that chapter, I’d have been very proud.  It’d be a nice, 1,500 word opener that would grab the reader, full of lovely details and fun stuff.

And then I’d have to place it into my trash folder, because ultimately it doesn’t do what it needs to, then hunt for the right scene to write.

Cross-posted from Ferrett's Real Blog.

This entry has also been posted at http://theferrett.dreamwidth.org/214853.html. You can comment here, or comment there; makes no never-mind by me.

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Ding, code is done.

Well I wrote the code I needed to posting to the Sekret Project. After banging my head against code walls trying to remember how I did something 10 years ago (aka before LJ, when I wrote my own blogging code), I found a different way to connect, using a script within ViM. Since I'll be writing 98% of the site in ViM, it made sense to use ViM to make the posts as well. Going to looking at my cheat sheet for the commands though for a long time, but I can live with that. I also went ahead and added Gallery 3 to the site as well, so I can post eldritch pictures from beyond time and space to the site without having links to Cyberfox.org. Go me. So that's all the geekery I needed to develop, now to write content. Magical, mystical content. Aka the hard part.

Adventures in cultural elitism!

Today, I went to The Rubin Museum of Art

The Rubin specializes in the arts and culture of the Himalayas: works from Northern India, Nepal, and Tibet dominate the galleries, but Mongolian works are also there. Bhutan is mentioned, but I didn't really see anything from there.

This is my second visit to this museum and it struck me as odd that the Mongols would be included: after all, they're from much further north. This visit, I got an explanation: when the Mongols conquered Asia, many of the tribes were influenced by the art and religion of Tibet, so they incorporated Tibetan traditions into their own.

Makes sense now.

The main reason for my visit was the special exhibit Hero, Villain, Yeti: Tibet in Comics.

Really, it's like they just put out a beacon flashing "Sean, Come Visit" in morse code.

Or maybe the Sean Signal. I wonder what the Sean Signal would be... I mean, Batman has the Batsignal. Mine would be an open book silhouetted against the sky... or maybe a plate of friend chicken. Actually, if we were going from my user name, the OxySignal would be a jumbo shrimp or something.

Anyway... it was neat. Tibet has attracted comic books writers (and fantasy writers for that matter) because we in the West perceive Tibet as a land of mystery and mysticism.

This exhibit was in the reading room in the basement. It was neat, they briefly discussed the tradition of Tibet not just in comics, but in fantasy as well, then you could actually read many of the comics they discussed, as they were on display.

Fun.

From there, I went on to explore the "Treasures of the Collection" on the third floor and then the intro to Himalayan art on the second floor. I did these backwards. I was walking around on the third floor just admiring the art but not understading the symbolism of it... that was discussed on the second floor.

Oh well. That just means I have to go back.

I stopped in the cafe, and, though the Mulligatawny (sp?) soup smelled delicious, it's 80+ degrees F and humid, humid, humid. So, I said no to that, and just had a diet coke.

Overall, a lot of fun. The Rubin's price of admission is $10, and you will get more than your money worth.

If I may compare my visit to the Rubin and my recent sojourn to the Terracotta Warriors at Discovery Times Square... the presentation at the Rubin made more sense.

Okay, the descriptions were still at crotch-level, but they were tilted upwards,in a slightly larger font, and most importantly WELL LIT. Some of the works on display were kept in dim lightning but the descriptions were not.

Overall, fun. Definitely worth a visit. I have to go back because there are other things I want to see there, but just didn't get to today.

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