This is a time of mourning. Or I think it's supposed to be.

It's been 8 weeks since my father died. I took a memorial road trip, and I believe that, in a bit of irony, that this healed me just enough to keep going, and that may prove to be the fatal blow to who I used to be. I may actually not survive these next few months intact. That's okay, intact is overrated. Staying who I was has never been one of my top priorities. But I can't lie, this is pretty damn hard, even for me. Any remaining sadness has to be back-burnered, I have no time to feel it.

Here's how it is.

I have 300 pages of reading to do for next week. No problem, that's not so much. A little more challenging when it's academic reading, but still. I've had bigger workloads. I sit down with the book at 2:00 P.M. I turn to page 23.

"Children typically develop emotionally in overlapping phases..."

Yeah that's so true, I wonder why we are so bent on categorizing everything so disparately. Crap, I forgot to send out the email inviting the new participants to my thesis.

I open my laptop, open Mail. I suppress the hope that my inbox will say, "Congratulations! You have been accepted to any PhD program whatsoever!" Instead I have three useless emails about upcoming speaking engagements I have no time to attend. Delete, delete. Oh god, what if I really don't get in anywhere? I'm not, am I? What the hell now? Masters programs? Work experience? Can I really live with doing all of this work only to get a job making less than I did before I started this crazy journey? No. Grad schools it is. Which ones, though? Will slipjig still marry me if I have to go far away? Will we survive the distance?

I open my browser to look up masters programs in New England. I start skimming the description for one in New Hampshire. What about the wedding, anyway? If we're not doing the big thing, and god knows there won't be enough money now, then what instead? When should we do it? Should I change my last name? What if we get married before I graduate, which name should go on my diploma? If we elope, will it still feel real? God I need a vacation.

I google honeymooon packages in Maine. Shit, I have to send that email! I open Mail again. There's a link from one of my professors to updated guidelines for the observations we're doing next week. When am I going to fit that in? I should make sure I go to the gym. My stress level is in the red, this is no time to ignore my caretaking. I need to pack those sweatpants to take back to school with me. I should drink more water.

I get up and go in the kitchen to get a drink. I remember that I'm supposed to be baking a snack to bring to one of my classes this week. The kitchen is so wrecked that I can't find a single clean spot of counter space or any utensils or bowls. I start clearing dishes. slipjig walks in. I erupt and yell at him about why there is NEVER ANY ORANGE JUICE LEFT FOR THE WEEKEND GOD WHY CAN'T ANYTHING GO RIGHT? He is, rightly, a bit startled.

It is 5:00 P.M. I have to get this reading done. I sit back down.

"Children typically develop emotionally in overlapping phases..."

Damn it, I still haven't sent that email. I open the laptop. I send the email. My GChat pings.

It is 8:00 P.M. I'm exhausted. I haven't read anything. I feel dizzy and nauseated, something that is becoming increasingly common with every maximally stressed out day that passes. Something hurts. I get a glass of wine and read something trashy that asks nothing of me. I lie down, and promise myself to do better tomorrow. I'm about to drift off to sleep.

Crap. I still have to write my Idol post.

...

You know, that wasn't even all of it. There are so many more things changing, so much that is in flux, that I can't find a constant point. Maybe that's why I feel dizzy. I can't pick a spot.

I want to mourn him better. I want to write better. I want to focus on my upcoming marriage and my other relationships and my sexual identity and grad school and my thesis and who the fuck I want to come out of this being. But I guess all that is just going to have to wait.

I have class in twenty minutes.